I’m starting this series with no earthly idea how many “ways monogamous sex can stoke self-realization” I’ll want to write about. Six? Sixty-six? Here’s the first:
The wisdom of no escape:
If you’re going to keep your commitment to monogamy AND get laid, you’ve got to figure out how to make a sexual connection with this person. Even after yesterday, when he said The. Stupidest. Thing. Or was that you who said it?
Even given all the logistical horseshit the two of you have to shovel together, from the mortgage (Or – Can I get a primal scream here? – refinancing!?) to the holiday cards to getting the gutters cleaned.
Even though you cannot believe the backs of your thighs look like THAT (Even though you try not to care. And your partner says you look great. It’s still a thing.). This kind of bind, this kind of constraint, is precisely the condition that creates what we call in yoga tapas or fire or heat or discipline. It makes for good awakening.
If you can just go have sex with someone new…
(who’s never seen your file cabinet), well, that’s easily hot, because you can lean into mono-dimensional chemistry without the confounding effects of knowing one another.
Or if you can avoid sex altogether…
(or narrow your prospects to battery-operated friends), you can avoid walking through the forgiveness, honesty, and vulnerability required to find your turn-on after you’ve been exhausted, irritated, and otherwise wrung-out.
But if you demand – of yourself and your partner – that you are GOING TO have satisfying sex… TOGETHER… You are in the tunnel, being pushed steadily toward looking at, working through, releasing, and opening up all the bits of life, emotionality, self-doubt, mental b.s., and resentment that may have come between you and your sex and between you and your partner.
Nothin’ holier than that. No better spiritual discipline.
You are double-dog-dared to look straight at that which you’d perhaps rather avoid. Until you do, you won’t have the sex you want – in quantity or quality. And because satisfying sex feeds and lubricates the rest of your life – your parenting, your work, your capacity to have a good attitude when your mother-in-law visits – pretending you can live without it is costing you too much in every domain.
What is getting in the way of your sex right now?
Comment below, or for total anonymity, let me know through the comment form or a twitter direct message. I won’t divulge your identity, but I will write more about how to work through these libido-crushers. You’re so not alone, and you absolutely don’t need to stay stuck in undersexed land just because you’re committed and facing these obstacles.